and here we are folks. that point in recovery where i must take action and work the steps. (pauses and breathes…about 15 times)
as i’ve mentioned before, my sponsor gives me homework and has yet to check it. well, tomorrow she’s checking! and it’s a good thing because it’s the only way to keep me accountable.
to be honest, i’ve procrastinated a bit on step four. “made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” boy, doesn’t that sound fun? i have to remind myself that recovery isn’t supposed to be all unicorns and rainbows. it’s hard, it’s work and it’s worth it.
i explained to my sponsor that i was having a hard time starting. she simply said, “pray about it”.
and that’s just what i’m going to do…pray…pray hard!
conversation i had to myself last night as i was trying to fall asleep:
wait, did i have a drink today?
what the fuck?
what is my brain doing?
(rewind back through the day) no, i didn’t.
what the fuck?
apparently, my brain was checking up on me?! maybe subconsciously i was surprised i made it 104 days without a drink. i don’t know. it was a weird feeling, that’s for sure.
whatever that was about, it was reassuring to rewind through my day and know i didn’t drink.
you know that annoying willy wonka song they chant over and over, “i’ve got a golden ticket! i’ve got a golden ticket!” blah, blah, blah…yeah, well that is the song my brain decided to play at 6:30 this morning as i awoke in a sweaty panic attack. hello monday.
i am not sure what caused my panic attack. maybe a dream i was having i don’t remember? maybe because it’s monday? or maybe it’s just the beginning of a long journey through recovery. i bet the latter has something to do with it.
last night, at my regular sunday meeting at the inpatient treatment center for teens, one of the gals that goes with me mentioned she has been sober for eight years. eight years! that’s so damn awesome and so damn scary at the same time. i barely listened to her as my mind raced. “holy shit, that’s a long time from now. that’s a long time to not drink. can i do that? i mean, really do it?”
this morning after my panic attack and some prayer, i came to a realization that only aa and my higher power could have provided me; i don’t know. i don’t have any clue what it will be like it eight years and i don’t have to know. all i need to remember and truly know is that i will not drink today. so bam! there’s that.
it’s going to be a quiet, air conditioned filled, alcohol free weekend.
my husband is gigging at a bar tonight. i’m driving myself and going with friends who support me. i will eat good food, listen to great music and enjoy friends and fireworks. i’m not too worried.
the rest of the weekend i plan on occupying my time and mind with cleaning, crafting and organizing. and if i’m being honest, which i need to be for myself and my recovery, maybe one of those things will get done. maybe, i don’t know.
i do know this…i won’t be a drunk, barfing, asshole this 4th!
yesterday i said, “today will be a good day!” yeah, well, i’m a dumbass. no really, i am and i’m ok with that for now.i need to remember that early on in my recovery, my brain is mush. it has a hard time processing emotions without using alcohol to cope. i have come to terms with that.
after a good day at work yesterday, i went home to start taking inventory of our camping equipment. we are gearing up for our annual camping/float trip; this year should be interesting. it’s basically a four day booze cruise. i will have plenty of support though, my parents will be there this year and close friends and family know what’s up. moving on…
we got a new shade for the raft since husband can’t be in direct sunlight for too long. i was putting it together and husband made this suggestion and that suggestion (nicely by the way) and i just about fucking lost it! my mind was racing a million miles an hour with rage, frustration, anger. i felt like a little kid who couldn’t verbalize how they felt. i told him to “shut up before i fucking scream!”…not very nice sara!
i went from happy to downright furious for no good reason. i paused and breathed and worked through my shit. i didn’t apologize until about five minutes ago. that’s progress me for; the alcoholic in me doesn’t apologize.
anyway, i guess my point is that pausing and breathing works for me. thanks god because i’m going to have plenty more emotions and shit to work through…that’s life, right?
this morning i woke up to my husband sitting next to me with my favorite coffee. yep, he’s rad. what a great start to my day.
another reason he’s rad – he keeps track of my days in sobriety and celebrates the milestones. he is so supportive; i couldn’t be more grateful for that. i’m also grateful for his humor. it has and will help us through his chemo treatments and my sobriety…such a funny man, that one is.
him: good morning baby. today is 99 days, right?
me: (still waking up) mmm hmmm
him: you’ve got 99 days and my wife ain’t drunk!
me: (laughing!!) i’ve got 99 problems and a drink ain’t one!
thanks silly husband. today will be a good day!
why does cutting out one stupid habit make everything else seem so damn overwhelming?
cleaning the house, making dinner, deciding on what to make for dinner, going kayaking, going to work, going home…good god, what the hell!?
well…i do know one reason it’s so overwhelming. all of those things listed above i used to do with drink in hand or at least a few in me already. oy…life is defiantly different without. i have to keep reminding myself that life is better without…another mantra.
last night i went paddling with my family. i was frustrated, happy, grumpy and at peace at all different times. the emotional roller coaster ride has started. welcome to recovery sara.